Ensaio sobre um lugar-comum: “Nenhum homem é uma ilha isolada”

Olhamos à distância e a nitidez perde-se. Somos o vigia que, com um binóculo, perscruta o infinito. Esforçamos a vista, preocupados com o que vem e esquecemos onde estamos, o chão que pisamos e aqueles que nos acompanham na nossa viagem. Um irmão com quem brincávamos ao fim da tarde e que se perdeu na memória que resta da distância de meio país. Um amigo que se rendeu a uma vida de cinismo por aspirar à grandeza sufocado na mesquinhez de uma aldeia. Uma mulher que não se tem em mais nada do que na estúpida incerteza de um sentimento. No fim somos só nós, sozinhos numa corrida que chegou ao fim, mas que não queremos vencer, no momento em que compreendemos que não há mais nada, que tudo se resume à eventualidade de uma coincidência e que a morte é o vazio, mas até lá ainda há uma grande caminhada, muita terra e lama para pisar, vinho para beber e corpos para amar. No fim somos só nós, mas até lá ainda há uma caminhada.

(João Freire)

Fight club

First, the rules...

Durden:"The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is, you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Two guys to a fight. One fight at a time. No shirts, no shoes. Fights will go on as long as they have to.
If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight."

Fight Club

Durden: "I look around. I look around. I see a lot of new faces."

Club: [risos]

Durden: "Shut up! Which means a lot of you have been breakin' the first two rules of Fight Club. Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. Goddammit, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man; no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised by television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't; and we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."


"The 25th Hour" monólogo de Edward Norton

fuck you too!


"don't even breathe?"...YESSS MASTER!


às vezes são os cheiros...e a música...
as fotografias, slides e vídeos caseiros.
cassetes áudio com as primeiras palavras...
a roupa.
aquelas folhas secas, que antes eram de outra cor, no meio de páginas de livros, cadernos e álbuns.
os jornais e revistas.
e as minhas mãos aparecem ao mudar a página.
dou por mim em frente ao espelho.
agora apagam-se as bicicletas.
apagam-se as tardes que eram mais longas.
apagam-se primos e amigos.
apagam-se os irmãos e os pais.
apagam-se cheiros, músicas...TUDO!
à excepção do reflexo à minha frente.
imóvel, gasto e que continua a mudar...

lúcia freire

Junior Boys - FM

(a melodia é bonita)

Lisa Lampanelli - Dirty Girl

mai nada!

Guts by Chuck Palahniuk (pode ferir susceptibilidades)



Take in as much air as you can. This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was 13 years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumour is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkout counter, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's supper time. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot, and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now that he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them. That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "staircase wit." In French: esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party....

As you start down the stairway, then-magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That’s the spirit of the stairway.

The trouble is, even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counsellors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around their kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look ... better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of polished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, either a big metal ball or the kind of fancy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.

It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how-the day before-he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ballpoint pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally reinvented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.

The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's supper time. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax, so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kidneys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people screaming. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and rougher, coated with crystals of calcium, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole family, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses standing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mistake, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Sticking yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

Just from jacking oft' I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.

After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each handful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my mom.

That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, thinking she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed, retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father and the uncle. In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sitting on it.

As the French would say, who doesn't like getting their butt sucked? Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.

One minute I'm settling on the pool bottom and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellow striped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbour, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped football practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.

One minute I've got enough air and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.

My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch another big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.

I do this again and again.

This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bottom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.

And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls. It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.

Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.

People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about everything. Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Getting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.

Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat inside my head getting loud and fast.

The bright sparks of light crossing and crisscrossing my eyes, I turn and look back ... but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, blue white and braided with veins, has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding on to my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, blue white skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.

That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.

So ...I kick at it, at the slippery, rubbery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butt hole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.

Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horse pill vitamin my dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omega three fatty acids.

It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.

It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.

Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working-unravelling my insides-until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit and you can see how this might turn you inside out.

What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctors call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin, runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.

That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unravelling out my ass, me holding on to what's left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on.

God forbid my folks see my dick.

My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.

You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lambskin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.

A lambskin condom, that's just plain old intestine.

You can see what I'm up against.

You let go for a second and you're gutted.

You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.

You don't swim and you drown.

It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football scholarship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen telephone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow striped swim trunks.

What even the French won't talk about.

That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say, "I need that like I need a hole in my head...," Russian people say, "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole......

Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse.

Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.

Hell ... even if you're Russian, someday you just might want those teeth.

Otherwise, what you have to do is you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.

It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night. If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.

It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trouble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.

All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me....

I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.

Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple of hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.

After you have a radical bowel resectioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inches. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was 13.

Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swimming pool. In the end my dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vitamin pill still inside, even then my dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."

Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second...."

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never mentioned it again.


That is our invisible carrot.

You. Now you can take a good, deep breath.

I still have not.

You just read this story, so you must be at least kinda sick. Settle your stomach with music news and reviews par excellence at Tiny Mix Tapes.


The Businessman - Lasse Gjertsen

Jeg går en Tur - A self portrait by Lasse Gjertsen

Amateur - Lasse Gjertsen

Para mim, isto é genial.

Duckrabbit do Wittgenstein

O negro

Em tudo o que faço, há um pouco de raiva... um pouco de revolta quando ouço ou falo com alguém, mas há, sobretudo, muita incompreensão e isso é o que custa mais, porque sem razões ou meras desculpas tudo é mais difícil de suportar... cá dentro, bem no fundo, onde tudo se acumula camada sobre camada até à exaustão e enjoo... até ao sabor a podre, até ao travo amargo do fel, travo que é o sofrimento – umas vezes ocasional outras mais relutante e permanente consoante o dia... consoante a disposição. Má disposição! Arroto com sabor a vómito! Pessimismo desmedido que repousa no negro de uma alma que repousa no negro de um caixão que repousa no negro de um buraco escuro, muito escuro e negro.
Lá fora há sol, sol quente de primavera, que relembra às pessoas o verão, as mesmas pessoas que, por isso, se sentam nos degraus sobranceiros de qualquer local suficientemente bom para se estar... só estar. Mas cá dentro, dentro deste quarto que sou eu, as luzes estão apagadas, as cortinas cerradas, as persianas descidas, a janela e a porta estão fechadas e trancadas. Sentado, recostado, quase deitado, no sofá seco e poeirento, rodeado do calor bafio e húmido da minha própria presença, sem nenhuma aragem de qualquer fresta que compartilhe ar, olho para nada. Na parede reflecte-se um bocado do sol, só sol, sem ar, que trespassa o vidro através dos quatro, ás vezes cinco, buracos da persiana e eu semicerro os olhos até à visão nublada, até à alienação do espaço e do tempo e penso em ti, ninguém em especial, ninguém em concreto, apenas alguém que me pergunta hoje como estou e a quem eu respondo mostrando isto, o negro.

João Freire

Foi mais ou menos assim em braga

e houve gente, e festa, copos e música.
espero que os meus cartões não tenham servido apenas para filtros.

Chocolate Speed Painting with Spoon

Às vezes

Às vezes bastam pequenas coisas.
Da alegria à tristeza… do desespero psicótico à simples e infantil euforia.
A curva do teu sorriso, a ondulação dos teus lábios onde eu me afundo calma e alegremente. Penso no afrouxar dos teus olhos quando se preparam para me dar um beijo, carinho, companhia… Amor. Penso em ti e isso basta-me.
Sem ti não conseguia. Sem ti era difícil. Sozinhos não somos nada.
Um grão de areia só é areia no meio de milhares, de milhões.
Sozinho é uma pedra, uma grande, tosca e cinzenta pedra.
Sozinho sou uma pedra.

João Freire
(15 de Junho de 2004)

Some people

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they'll find me there.
-it's Cherub, they'll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.

"some people"
(charles bukowski)

Poema em linha recta

Nunca conheci quem tivesse levado porrada.
Todos os meus conhecidos têm sido campeões em tudo.

E eu, tantas vezes reles, tantas vezes porco, tantas vezes vil,
Eu tantas vezes irrespondivelmente parasita,
Indesculpavelmente sujo,
Eu, que tantas vezes não tenho tido paciência para tomar banho,
Eu, que tantas vezes tenho sido ridículo, absurdo,
Que tenho enrolado os pés publicamente nos tapetes das etiquetas,
Que tenho sido grotesco, mesquinho, submisso e arrogante,
Que tenho sofrido enxovalhos e calado,
Que quando não tenho calado, tenho sido mais ridículo ainda;
Eu, que tenho sido cómodo às criadas de hotel,
Eu, que tenho sentido o piscar de olhos dos moços de fretes,
Eu, que tenho feito vergonhas finaceiras, pedindo emprestado sem pagar,
Eu, que, quando a hora do soco surgiu, me tenho agachado
Para fora da possibilidade do soco;
Eu, que tenho sofrido a angústia das pequenas coisas ridículas,
Eu verifico que não tenho par nisto tudo neste mundo.

Toda a gente que eu conheço e que fala comigo
Nunca teve um acto ridículo, nunca sofreu enxovalho,
Nuca foi senão príncipe - todos eles príncipes - na vida...

Quem me dera ouvir de alguém a voz humana
Que confessasse não um pecado, mas uma infâmia;
Que contasse, não uma violência, mas uma cobardia!
Não, são todos o ideal, se os oiço e me falam.
Quem há neste largo mundo que me contasse que uma vez foi vil?
Ó príncipes,meus irmãos,

Arre, estou farto de semideuses!
Onde é que há gente no mundo?

Então sou só eu que é vil e erróneo nesta terra?

Poderão as mulheres não os terem amada,
Podem ter sido traídos - mas rídiculos nunca!
E eu, que tenho sido redículo sem ter sido trído,
Como posso eu falar com os meus superiores sem titubear?
Eu, que tenho sido vil, literalmente vil,
Vil no sentido mesquinho e infame da vileza.

Álvaro de Campos (Fernando Pessoa)

Para o tema de Junho de 2011, subordinado ao tema "Os problemas resolvem-se à chapada" , num desafio da "Fábrica de Letras".

God Knows (You gotta give to get)

Right where it belongs

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all... right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone

You can live in this illusion,
You can choose to believe.
You keep looking but you can't find the woods,
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see?

Nine Inch Nails - Right Where It Belongs

Sand animation

Fado do Estudante

Poesia Difusa

'La ruta natural', de Álex Pastor

Billy collins - Animated poetry

Desde que não estás comigo

"Oito meses já. Oito meses e onze dias e, se olhar para o relógio, digo-te o número das horas: oito meses, onze dias e dezoito horas. Quase dezanove. Hó oito meses, onze dias e dezoito, quase dezanove horas tu no patamar, com duas malas, a carregares no botão do elevador que chegou num instante para mim e demorou eternidades para ti pelo modo como batias a ponta do sapato no chão e eu no capacho a ver-te, demasiado cheio de palavras para conseguir falar. Depois o elevador parou, abriste a porta, empurraste as malas para dentro e foste-te embora sem olhar. O perfume aguentou-se um bocado por ali. Quando deixei de o sentir fechei a porta. Passada uma semana desapareceu do apartamento também. Inclusive do quarto. Inclusive do armário onde a tua roupa esteve. Cabides vazios, nenhum cheio. Sobrou metade de um brinco numa gaveta. Não um brinco caro, uma dessas coisas de fantasia que usavas no verão. Plástico e arame, arame e plástico com uma conchinha verdadeira na ponta. A conchinha baloiçava ao falares. Fui buscar o martelo e acabou-se o brinco. O problema foi a mossa que deixei na cómoda. Gostava que tivesses visto: plásticos e arames quebrados por todo o lado. A conchinha não sei onde pára, nunca mais lhe pus a vista em cima. Um destes domingos, que é quando passeio pela casa a odiar-te, encontro-a meio escondida numa frincha do rodapé, puxo-a com uma faca ou isso e aí está o martelo do novo. Com mais força e a conchinha pó. E a partir daí sim, somes-te por completo. Um alívio. Mas como não sou vingativo desejo-te que estejas bem, desde que não te ponha a vista em cima. E se te puser a vista em cima oxalá não tenha o martelo. Oito meses, imagine-se. Apetece-te um dos iogurtes fora de prazo do frigorífico? Desde há oito meses só há coisas fora do prazo aqui, a começar por mim. Claro que continuo a trabalhar, a sair com os rapazes à sexta, a trazer de tempos a tempos uma pequena ou outra sem brincos de fantasia, com brincos autênticos. Uma delas aspirou-me o chão. Queria fazer o ninho comigo, ocupar o teu lugar. Era ruiva. Não ruiva pintada, ruiva autêntica. Sempre que conheço uma ruiva começo a contar-lhe as sardas, é mais forte que eu, e esqueço-me dos meus deveres de homem: fico para ali de dedinho espetado, a somar. Aspirou-me o chão, foi lá abaixo deitar dúzias de jornais antigos no contentor, informou
- Esta escova de dentes está uma miséria
não conseguiu ligar a torradeira, deu-me um papelinho com o telefone e foi-se embora. Hei-de tê-lo por aí, na gaveta das facturas. Não conseguiu ligar a torradeira visto que ninguém consegue ligar a torradeira, em Março deitou umas chispas, deu um salto e faleceu. As fatias de pão continuam entaladas no interior do mecanismo, invisíveis, excepto um cogumelozinho de bolor que surge de vez em quando do metal amolgado. À parte isso e a maior parte das torneiras pingarem vai-se vivendo. Oito meses e oito dias sem ti é obra. A minha mãe sugere que me case outra vez. Lava-me a roupa, dá um jeito nas coisas. Não falamos de ti. Fala da enteada da vizinha do andar de baixo, que tem bom feitio, é solteira e trabalha nos impostos. Um autocarro atropelou-lhe o namorado. A minha mãe garante que já me mencionou a ela várias vezes, nessas conversas à porta do prédio, cada qual com a sua chave e o seu saco de compras e a enteada deu ares de interessar-se. Faço ideia do que a minha mãe lhe terá dito. Sei que pediu um retrato para me mostrar e no retrato uma mulher de aspecto triste, sem idade. Não ruiva. Pelo menos, não teria de contar-lhe as sardas. O problema é que a tristeza se pega e não me vejo a aquecer o leite de manhã apagando uma lágrima na manga do pijama. O autocarro arrastou-lhe o namorado uns vinte metros e essas coisas marcam. Ou então foi sempre triste, há pessoas a quem alegra sofrer. O que me custou mais no retrato é que usava brincos parecidos com os teus, de conchinha na ponta. Sinceramente não me apetece martelar mais nada.
Oito meses e onze dias, olha-me para a rapidez do tempo. Daqui a momentos sou velho, quarenta anos, cabelos brancos, pedras na vesícula, essas maçadas, uma eternidade para subir os degraus, problemas para segurar o cuspo do lado esquerdo da boca. Tu não mudaste de certeza, nunca mudaste desde que te conheci. Umas rugazitas, talvez. Não, nem sequer umas rugazitas, intacta. Chamavas-me
- Meu coelhinho
ao princípio, depois do princípio passaste a chamar-me
- Amadeu
e depois de
- Amadeu
passaste a não chamar-me fosse o que fosse. Às vezes dava por ti a espiar-me com pena, abanando a cabeça. Não tive coragem de perguntar o que significava o abanar da cabeça, suponho que desilusão a meu respeito, ou
- O que estou a fazer aqui?
- Porque carga de água te aceitei, enganei-me
ou qualquer sentimento desse género e eu calado. O que podia dizer? Tudo se passou em silêncio, aliás. Um feriado estava eu na sala, ouvi barulho de gavetas no quarto e eras tu às voltas com as malas. Nenhum de nós soltou um pio. Arrumavas a roupa de costas para mim e ias empilhando camisolas dobradas. Escutavam-se os automóveis a passar na rua, ia jurar que se escutava o pêlo do tapete ao lado da cama a crescer. Quando acabaste afastei-me para o lado a deixar-te passar. Não senti nada salvo uma espécie de vazio. Não bem vazio, um oco enorme. Perguntas que não fui capaz de fazer. A lembrança do
- Meu coelhinho
a atazanar-me. O que sucedeu connosco, explica-me o que sucedeu connosco. tenho a certeza que não mudei. Quem mudou foi o andar, os móveis, apesar do sol a impressão de que me chovia por dentro. Se fechasse os olhos
(não fechei os olhos)
a chuva a descer atrás das minhas pálpebras. Não fui à janela ver-te na rua, fiquei para ali encostado ao louceiro, com ganas de meter-me debaixo dele como um coelhinho. O teu coelhinho. Há sempre alturas em que apetece pegar num bicho ao colo, nem que seja eu, e passar-lhe a mão pelo corpo, das orelhas à cauda, a dar conta do coração muito rápido, muito rápido, de uma vida aflita debaixo dos dedos. Oito meses, onze dias, dezanove horas e meia. Para a semana a minha mãe prometeu trazer-me a enteada da vizinha. Não vai encontrar-me: estarei no interior da torradeira como as fatias de pão. Quando muito hão-de ver o cogumelo de bolor de uma lágrima a surgir do metal amolgado."

António Lobo Antunes

Usem filtro solar

Um bom conselho para a vida. Ouçam. Também podem ler, mas é português do Brasil...


Um pouco mais de sol - eu era brasa,
Um pouco mais de azul - eu era além.
Para atingir, faltou-me um golpe de asa...
Se ao menos eu permanecesse aquém...

Assombro ou paz? Em vão... Tudo esvaído
Num grande mar enganador de espuma;
E o grande sonho despertado em bruma,
O grande sonho - ó dor! - quase vivido...

Quase o amor, quase o triunfo e a chama,
Quase o princípio e o fim - quase a expansão...
Mas na minh'alma tudo se derrama...
Entanto nada foi só ilusão!

De tudo houve um começo ... e tudo errou...
- Ai a dor de ser - quase, dor sem fim...
Eu falhei-me entre os mais, falhei em mim,
Asa que se elançou mas não voou...

Momentos de alma que desbaratei...
Templos aonde nunca pus um altar...
Rios que perdi sem os levar ao mar...
Ânsias que foram mas que não fixei...

Se me vagueio, encontro só indícios...
Ogivas para o sol - vejo-as cerradas;
E mãos de herói, sem fé, acobardadas,
Puseram grades sobre os precipícios...

Num ímpeto difuso de quebranto,
Tudo encetei e nada possuí...
Hoje, de mim, só resta o desencanto
Das coisas que beijei mas não vivi...

Um pouco mais de sol - e fora brasa,
Um pouco mais de azul - e fora além.
Para atingir faltou-me um golpe de asa...
Se ao menos eu permanecesse aquém...

Listas de som avançam para mim a fustigar-me
Em luz.
Todo a vibrar, quero fugir... Onde acoitar-me?...
Os braços duma cruz
Anseiam-se-me, e eu fujo também ao luar...

Mário de Sá-Carneiro